Doubts

We knew fostering would be difficult. We knew that there would be trying moments. But like theologian A.W. Tozer once said, "Outside the will of God, there's nothing I want. Inside the will of God there's nothing I fear.” We knew that God was aware of the mountains we would face. We had faith that He would move them or provide the momentum to climb.

Steven and I were hunting for a foster placement agency. I reached out to the only foster parent I knew. She told me that there are many options, but the one we HAD to choose is Families4Families (F4F). Placement agencies give foster families extra support. They provide a case manager as the “middle man” between the foster family and the Division of Family and Children Services (DFCS).

When we first met Kelli (co-founder of F4F with her husband Wayne), she immediately felt like family. We just connected. Her heart overflows for foster children. She delivered unbelievable facts to us about the foster system and our upcoming role. I’m sure she thought we were crazy. We shared our little journey up to that point. I told her my plan to leave my job by December 22. I knew we would have kids by then. Note that this meeting was November 20.

We had recently learned from another agency info meeting that the average time for placement was 4-6 months. They mentioned that there was nothing we could do to speed up the process – that’s just the way it is. This didn’t align with what God had spoken to us. He whispered into our hearts that we would have a baby by Christmas.

Kelli said, “Come on! I will work as fast as you do.” I don’t think she realized our speed. Steven and I can both be extreme when tackling “to-do lists”. After a 3-hour conversation with Kelli, we had our list and were eager to get to work!

It was the week of Thanksgiving and we were both on vacation from work. We hit the ground running. We had a training scheduled on December 1 and our goal was to have EVERYTHING completed by then!

F4F recognized our passion and helped us reach our ambitious goal. They have been our biggest supporters. We entered this process with no clue about what age preference, race preference, or trauma history we were prepared for! We didn’t know if it was okay to have a preference…I wasn’t sure if we were fit enough to have teenagers. Especially since I still look like a teenager!

But Kelli guided us. She asked the important question: "What ages do you feel the most comfortable with? God may call you to a different age, but ultimately there is an age you feel the most comfortable with.” She suggested that we choose any age younger than our marriage – 4 years. It was really hard to make that decision…I felt like we were saying NO to kids. But I'm incredibly thankful for Kelli and her wisdom. She helped us recognize that the most important priority throughout foster care is our marriage. Foster kids come from broken homes. Aside from our relationship with Christ, our marriage must always be our main focus.

Two weeks later we attended IMPACT, a mandatory weekend-long foster training. We had just finished all of our paperwork and our home study process was the only remaining step before placement. We entered training feeling very confident, but quickly became overwhelmed with information. This particular training was hosted by another agency – I DON’T recommend this…train with your own agency! Satan began playing mind games with me. My confidence was shot throughout the weekend from conversations about maternal instincts (“not everyone has them”). When we shared with an instructor that we believe God was leading us to have two babies by Christmas, she laughed at us and said that we’d be lucky to have one by February. Little did she know that we would have 4 children by February…but that’s another story!

I left that weekend hurt. Confused. I’m so thankful for Kelli at F4F! She encouraged us and reminded us of the promises God gave us.

December 22 arrived quickly – my last day of work. I remember this day so clearly.

I called Carolyn on my way to the church. Mommas just have all the answers. She told me the Bible story of Noah…again. God instructed Noah to build an ark. This took YEARS to complete. People mocked Noah. He had faith that God would show off in His timing. It’s hard to have this faith in a world of instant-gratification. I had to walk in faith that God knew what he was doing.

It felt weird walking into the office. I felt like I should have at least one kid with me to show off...to show people that I wasn’t crazy and that God fulfills His promises! But I didn't. I felt like God had forgotten. It was 3 DAYS before Christmas! Give me babies!!!! I walked to HR and turned in my computer and key. Just like that – years of working towards this dream job came to an end.

On my way out of the office doors, I passed by a pastor who was coordinating the upcoming Christmas services. He asked me if I was still available to volunteer at the Christmas Eve services. Out of nowhere I confidently said, “Nope I can’t. I’ll have two babies by then.” I quickly walked out. I was so embarrassed by the words that just jumped out. WHO AM I to say that? But then I realized that it came from the mustard-seed-sized faith in my heart. I will have two babies by Christmas.

When I arrived home, Steven and I ate lunch together. I remember crying. Steven kept saying, “It’s not Christmas yet.” He always has a “bigger-than-life" faith. It’s both refreshing and annoying.

Then my phone rang.

The words BABY...HOSPITAL...3-MONTHS-OLD...TODAY...was all I remember.